same story, different day. and the beat goes on (and on and on...)
why do so many quotes regarding continuing life patterns reference music? is it because we are so influenced by music that we find solace in the fact that these songs typify the repeating occurrences of our real lives? possibly b/c songs are created by artists who too have experienced similar dramas to those we have? we can all relate strongly to certain songs and believe that they exemplify what we are feeling and going through in our lives.
sometimes i feel like the life i am leading is someone else's - they have made the mistakes, and i have to deal with the aftermath, pick up the pieces so to speak. in all actuality, i think we are all more affected by consequences - even the possibility of them - than by actual decisions. which is true in effect - it is the consequences created by the decisions which really cause the dramas in our lives.
so i kissed him, which in itself is not a bad decision, not necessarily a good one either, but not a bad one nonetheless. much less a life-altering one. not like i haven't kissed him before. or even slept with him for that matter (not recently, thanks - this is not a porn novel). it was bound to happen - all part of my life's plan. but this time it was different as it set off a chain of events. and that's only the beginning of the story. i kissed him, and all hell broke loose. and not be me, although he has told me i'm 'nuttier than squirrel turds'. quite a compliment, let me tell you! somehow it's now my fault that a friendship is over (at least temporarily); i know that i was part of that decision, but not knowing what the consequence was going to be.
'no drama,' says jeremy. 'you're the drama queen,' i retort. 'you're the drama factory,' he replies. how can it be that something that i controlled (the actual kissing) led to the ensuing drama over which i had no control. he (not the kisser, the other one) believed and felt something that i just flat out didn't. he doesn't even know me anymore, what i like, what i dislike, what i desire, what i fear. how was i to know that he (t.o.o.) would react like that? would it have changed what i did had i have known? i honestly can't answer that. we can't go back and redo what didn't turn out as we would have liked. and trust me, there's other moments in time that i would rather redo than this one. so no, i can't say i would change what i did, the outcome, sure, but not the initial action. if we were to redo everything that didn't go as planned, what would we learn? what mistakes would we make?
